


No Complaints

by Niccadamus



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: A - Freeform, AU, Agent, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Army, Assassin - Freeform, Assassins & Hitmen, Boss - Freeform, Explosives, Fireworks, Fireworks are gay culture y´all, Killing, Kinda, M/M, Magnus is hot, Military, Podcast, Recruitment, Spy - Freeform, Stakeout, Waiting, Whiskey - Freeform, Wolf 359, and bossy, car, for, killer, long time, secret organisations, subordinate, superior - Freeform, suspect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 21:57:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13373862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niccadamus/pseuds/Niccadamus
Summary: What happens when two killers who work foran evil company have to survive a 6 hour stakeout?Probably nothing good, especially when one of them is madly in love with the other one.Killer Stakeout Au? ( or if you will: Kepcobi Au from the Podcast Wolf 359)





	No Complaints

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there!  
> Nobody asked for this AU- but I did it anyway! Have fun reading & leave any kind of constructive criticism!

Mission Mishaps, entry 7. SI-5 Surveillance Log, entry number FRD916.  
________________________________________

The rain dripped slowly on the windshield and the windshield wipers whirred consistently. The car door opened and someone sat down, making the seat creak.  
Alec sighed. “I. Hate. Stakeouts.”, he mumbled while he leaned against the cold glass of the car window.

Magnus straightened his perfectly fitting suit. Alec was pretty sure it was handmade and probably as expensive as his apartment.  
“Rule number eight.”

Confused, Alec lifted his head and turned it lightly towards Magnus. “What?”

  
“Rule number eight. Of the SI-5 handbook? “When Alec didn´t respond immediately, Magnus sighed and shook his head slightly.  
“All operatives shall display high levels of morale, enthusiasm, zeal, zest, and or vigor throughout all active fieldwork operations. “

A bit dumbfounded Alec asked, “So, what you’re telling me is…?”

“No. Complaints.”, Magnus stated, threat dripping from his voice.

  
While speaking, Magnus´ lips lazily stretched into a smile. Alec knew this smile too well. After exactly one year of working with Magnus Bane, he´d never forget this special smile.  
It was the kind of smile he always gave shortly before revealing the master plan he had all along before he looked at his enemies´ downfall or before he shot the bad guy in the head.  
Well, not exactly, actually before he shot the good guy. Sometimes Alec forgot they were the evil ones.

Eventually, Alec stretched his arms which were too tense already and groaned: “What is that asinine, micromanaging tactic supposed to– “

Magnus cleared his throat disapprovingly.

  
Yeah, right. No fucking complaints. With forced enthusiasm in his voice, Alec continued:” I… I mean aside from being… super. Mega. Great.”

  
“Better”, Magnus remarked pleased while observing the house on the other side of the street.

The silence stretched for a few minutes.

Magnus stared and the house. Alec stared at Magnus. Slowly trying to memorize the features of his face, the way his hair fell and how his eyes looked when they were focused.  
But today, Alec couldn´t drool over Magnus´ beauty. Nope, today he was supposed to be fucking furious with Magnus. Because today was his fucking recruitment anniversary.

There was no way Magnus _would actually forget today_ . Magnus, a man who memorized escape plans and remembered social security numbers in less than an hour.  
No way. Just No way. He could never forget his anniversary. Their anniversary.  
But if he really did remember, why the hell hadn´t he said anything?

Annoyance and anger spread out in Alec. Stupid Rain. Stupid six-hour stakeout. Stupid, stupid Magnus. Stupid cold car in a stupid small city.

He shivered and groaned annoyed, “Goddamn rain. I’m freezing”.

“What did I just say?” Exclaimed an unkind voice from the driver seat.

” Yeah. Sorry.” Alec bit his lip. Then he scoffed quieter with a bitter undertone: “Sorry. I guess I must’ve just… forgotten it.”  
His superior lifted an eyebrow and tilted his head to the side. Alec didn´t say anything. Maybe if he just ignored him, he would finally remember and then -

“Pass me those binoculars.”

  
Well, that totally worked, Alec thought. “Yeah, sure”

  
He grabbed the binoculars from the back of his seat and handed them to Magnus.  
Then he clicked his tongue and began humming.

“How about some snacks? Who wants snacks? ‘Ooh, ooh, Lightwood! I want some!’ Heh, well, you got it Lightwood, let me get those for ya” Alec said to himself and grabbed the food he bought at the store at this crappy no-name town.  
He popped off the lid of a Pringles can and grabbed some chips.

“Keep it down”, Magnus demanded annoyed.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

While passive-aggressively pushing chips down his throat, Alec thought about how much strength needed to be used to hit Magnus unconscious with the pringles can. Maybe that would make him remember. Or just kiss him- really, Alec wasn´t that picky.  
Also, he wasn´t overreacting. Of course not. Magnus just was an asshole.  
Magnus tapped on the steering-wheel, Alec couldn´t help but gaze at the rings that decorated his slender fingers and obviously fitted to his wardrobe.

“They have anything good?”

“They didn’t have crap.” Under his breath, Alec added:” Stupid store. Useless town– “.

“Focus. We are on a mission. “

“Yeah, which… why the hell are we even doing this?”

The Major leaned back in his seat. Alec guessed even he had to get uncomfortable after sitting in one car for six hours. “We’ve got a candidate. For SI-5 work. So, we’re– “

“Stalking them”, Alec interrupted since well, it was the simple truth.

“Vetting them, Lightwood, vetting.” Magnus corrected.

  
Alec closed his eyes and breathed. Alright, alright. Just a few more hours. At least he had food, he thought, grabbing more chips.  
While still chewing them, he wondered out loud: “What’s so special about this candidate?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why all the special vetting?” Before Magnus could respond, realization hit Alec.  
“Oh, my… You do this for every candidate.”

“Well, not me personally– “, Magnus started to explain.

“So, anyone that Morgenstern sends your way, you just… follow them around… For days.”

“We only work with the best. We need to know they are the best.” His Major stated.

“Oh, Jesus” Alec ran his fingers through his hair.  
“Did you–? Did you vet me? Before you recruited me?’

Mockingly, Magnus gazed at Alec, as if he was a 5-year-old child.  
“What? You think we just happened to bump into each other? Please. I knew everything about you.”

It probably was a part of the job, but Alec wasn´t even surprised anymore. Or angry. Magnus had approached him in a bar (a gay bar as a matter of fact), bought him the most expensive whiskey he probably ever had and will have, listened to Alec´s miserable life circumstances and only left his card.

Funny. What a sweet irony, that exactly that day was one year ago. Today. Their fucking anniversary. But no, no, no, of course, Magnus would not remember.

“Yeah. I guess you did know everything about me.” Alec exclaimed sarcastically, and added then: “You know what day it is today?”

Magnus, with a slightly confused look, responded slowly. “Yes, I do.”

Alec waited. After a short silence, he sighed.  
“You’re really gonna make me say it. What day is it today, Major?”

“Today… is Tuesday.”

  
The only thing that followed was a beat of silence.

The rain hadn´t stopped. Six hours and the rain hadn´t stopped once. Alec leaned his elbow against the window and rested his head on his palm.  
“I really hate you sometimes.”

“Hey. Rule number eight.”

Alec groaned, and ranted fake cheerily, “I really hate you sometimes, sir! You’re the worst!”.  
He sighed again and murmured, this time with his normal voice: “It’s the 24th, by the way”.

“What?”

“It’s– nah. It’s nothing. Forget it.”

This time Magnus put the binoculars in the central console of the car and turned fully towards Alec.  
“What’s going on, Lightwood?”

  
“Nothing.”

“Is this about the duck thing?"

  
Out of all things, out of every possible thing, why did he have to mention that? Alec had a fair share of awkward office stories but this one was off limits.  
“It’s not about– _No, it’s not about the duck thing!_ ” He cried annoyed, throwing his hands in the air.

“Because you know I’m– “

  
“No, stop it!” His Major not remembering his anniversary was one thing, but talking about this- this stupid, embarrassing incident was something else and Alec would do anything to prevent this conversation.

  
“Excuse me?” Magnus asked, authority draining the edge of his voice.

Alec shuddered at Magnus' voice, but continued nevertheless: “It’s not worth– “

“I give the orders around here.” He warned.

“Yeah. I got that.”

Magnus´ annoyance seemed to settle down. After a second, he added slowly, carefully:  
“For the record, I am sorry. “

“It’s fine, sir.”

“If I had known you’d cared that much I wouldn’t have done it.” Magnus continued, forcing Alec to painfully remember what happened.

” Yes sir.”

“Or sent the video to everyone in the off– “

” Sir, it’s no big deal. We can leave it alone.” Trying to find anything that could be used as a distraction he looked at the backseat and remarked the newspaper he bought.  
“Well. What happened in the world today? Where’s that newspaper?”

Alec reached with one hand to the backseat, making his seat creak.

“Hey, cut it out. We have to watch for movement.”

“I can’t even read the paper?”, Alec asked his Major disbelieving.

“No!” Magnus insistently remarked, „What if we miss our target? What if we’re ambushed?”.

Now, he was just being ridiculous. Alec scratched his forehead. How could someone so smart be so fucking dumb and stupid at the same time? Being stupid as in forgetting a fucking anniversary.  
“By whom? ¬”

Magnus' eyes settled again on their target’s house. “Put it away, Lightwood. Do as you are told.”

Alec oppressed the frustration as well as his urge to scream and threw the paper back behind his seat.  
“Fine.” Alec crossed his arms over his chest, slowly sank into his seat again and kicked his feet against the glove compartment. “I’m sure nothing important happened today anyway”, he pouted.

Magnus examined Alec for a moment with a calculating gaze, before he offered:  
“Alright fine, you want something to pass the time?”

Relieved, he begged: “Oh God yes, anything.”

“Why don’t we play a game?”, his Major grinned.

Alec´s heart sank in his chest. “Except that.”

“How about Questions only?” Magnus announced, referring to something, Alec wished he´d never ever mentioned to Magnus. A game with the goal to only talk through questions until the other person made a mistake and phrased a sentence instead of a question.

“Especially not that. I should’ve never taught you that stupid game.”

“You don’t think it’s fun?”

Alec thought, wistfully he stated: “I used to.”

“You used to think it was fun?”

“What else could I have possibly meant by that?”

“Maybe you were looking for something else to occupy your attention?”

“If I go along with this, can I at least read the paper?”

“I don’t know, can you?”

Alec groaned suffering and exclaimed angrily: “May I?”

“Would reading the paper improve the mission’s probability of success?”

“Is the mission’s success the only thing you care about?”

“Is something bothering you?”

“I don’t know, is it?”

“Wouldn’t we say that answer isn’t up to the standard we would expect from Questions Only?”

Alec hissed, “Yeah, well, rule number eight, no complaints”.

  
He paused.  
Damn it. Alec had enough and he sure as hell wasn´t going to ignore the elephant in the room (or car) anymore. He took a long breath and addressed his cause of anger.

“Okay, what if, hypothetically speaking, you had a friend. Or a colleague!  
And you thought there was an important day in your relationship.  
And it’s a big landmark in your life, and sure maybe you should’ve communicated that it was important to you, but maybe your… partner should’ve just known!  
But after all of that, your friend showed no signs of remembering your special friend day.” He took another breath and sighed, “Wouldn’t you feel a bit unappreciated?”

“Did I try communicating explicitly with this hypothetical person?” Magnus asked.

“Yes.”

Still focused on the stupidest game in the universe, Magnus replied: “Was that a question?”

  
Defeated, Alec muttered: “No”

He sighed, losing his patience with every passing second. “How much longer?”

“However long it takes to get a visual on the target. Or, if necessary, an intercept”, Magnus smiled.

Alec sighed again.  
Magnus added, “I’d say no more than six hours”.

Alec sighed, once again, letting his frustration out.  
Once again they returned to silence, only the sound of the rain between them.

Magnus took his gaze of the street, opened his mouth, closed it again and scratched his chin. Then he broke the silence.

“Oh.”  
Magnus´ voice sounded astonished and he looked as if he weighted up possibilities.

Impatiently and confused Alec exclaimed: “Yes?”

  
A woman with a dog crossed the street and walked past their parked car. Magnus still ignored Alec´s question until his facial expression changed into a genuine smile.  
“Ohhhhh. I see.” He continued, sounding still amazed but this time with certainty in his voice.

“What?”, Alec repeated unsure.

Slowly, while nodding, Magnus spoke, sounding surprised: “It was on your mind. ”

“What are you talking about?”

The Major´s hands tapped on the steering wheel, then he lifted his hands and gestured. “You know, Fray thought it might be the case.”

“What case?”

“I told her no, but she insisted, “he continued while playing with the rings on his fingers.

Growing impatient, Alec yelled louder than he intended: “About what?”

Magnus did not look at him, his eyes looking forward, out of the windshield. “That is today. Tuesday.”  
Alec went still. Observing his Major, he added quietly: “The 24th.”

Magnus nodded. He turned his head and remarked: “The day I recruited you. One year ago.”

For a moment, neither of them spoke.  
Then Alec turned away from Magnus and repeated: “Today.”

“Oh…oh is that today?” Alec scratched his neck, trying to remain calm as if he wasn´t boiling.  
“Is it?” He asked again, not even hiding his sarcasm anymore. ” Huh. I hadn’t noticed.”

Magnus, not going into Alec´s answer, looked at him. Alec hated that. Jesus, he hated it so much, because this man could see right through him, undress his mind and always know what he was thinking or feeling.

Magnus look softened and he spoke with a voice that sounded too gentle for a killer.  
“That is kind of special.”

“Yeah, no kidding.” Alec scoffed, still a little bit bitter. “Well. I’m glad you finally remember.” He added sarcastically.

Magnus, clapping his hands together, announced. “We should do something to mark this occasion.”

  
Alec scoffed but smiled to himself before he slowly warned, “If you say “Sit in this car in silence for the next ten hours”, I will scream”

“Will you open that duffel bag?”  
Alec blinked. Duffel bag?

“Duffel bag…”, he repeated dumbfounded and uncertain, letting his voice trail off. Why the heck would they need a duffel bag for a stakeout?

Magnus did not seem uncertain at all, his face was determined and his voice firm.  
“Backseat”, he elaborated.

Alec turned his head to the backseat and searched for a duffel bag. And yes, indeed, there was a black duffel bag behind Magnus´ seat. Why the hell…?  
He looked at Magnus, who just lifted his eyebrows as a reassuring gesture.  
While biting his lip he slowly reached for the zipper and unzipped the black bag… and then he gaped.

“Uuuhhhhh…. There’s about… fifty pounds of fireworks back here.” Alec stated, clearly confused, suspicion spreading inside of his mind.

  
Magnus leaned comfortably against the back of his seat and lazily replied:  
“Yeah. I thought there might be.”

Alec did not quite understand. Why would they need fireworks on a stakeout? If Alec should have made a bomb, Magnus would have told him. Hell, Magnus knew explosives were Alec´s main work field – that was the main reason they were even working together. “What’s– What’s this for?”

Magnus studied Alec´s expression before he offered playfully and smug: “For tonight’s celebration…?”  
“What”, Alec blurted out, while looking at Magnus who waited clearly for a response.  
The gaze of his Major wandered again to the explosives and then back to Alec. He proposed again hopefully: “Yeah. Wanna set them off?”

“But… what about the stakeout? Shouldn’t we be trying to keep a low profile?”  
This was obviously a joke because well, it just couldn’t be, they had been here for – what six hours?

Magnus waved his hand in a derogatory gesture. “Nah, our target’s not even home. We did the recruitment operation yesterday. “

  
“Are you… serious?” Suddenly, Alec began to understand. Fucking understand what the hell was going on. Why they had been here for six hours, in a car, waiting for a candidate to show up, who wasn´t even home, while it was raining cats and dogs.

“So, all of this was… what? _A prank? You pranked me?_ ” Alec could not help his disbelieving voice. All the time he thought Magnus had forgotten.  
Magnus reached with one arm for the duffel bag and placed it on the centre console.

Referring to Alec´s disbelieving complaint, he added: “Hey, rule number eight.”

“Yeah, I know, I know, I’m not complaining!” Alec denied loudly and hurriedly.

  
Alec breathed. So he did remember. He had brought 50 pounds of fireworks and staged a six-hour stakeout.

Alec rested both arms on the duffel bag, stared at the fireworks and then drew his gaze away again.

Somehow, Alec had the stupid feeling that his throat was a little bit too dry and his heartbeat too fast. He leaned towards his Major.

His eyes searched for Magnus´. When they found his gaze, Alec gulped and spoke, softer and happier.  
“I’m not complaining.”

**Author's Note:**

> explanation:  
> For anyone wondering what the hell Wolf 359 is:  
> It´s an amazing podcast ( YES you should listen to it). THIS ENTIRE WORK was based on a mini-episode ( I´ll link it in the end) called "Mission Mishaps: No Complaints".  
> The complete dialogue of these two nerds is taken from the episode, so maybe give it a try?  
> You can enjoy it, without knowing anything about the podcast and it's not longer than 12 minutes!
> 
> LINK TO THE ORIGINAL EPISODE :  
> http://hwcdn.libsyn.com/p/c/e/1/ce1778f1e0f1084f/No_Complaints.mp3?c_id=18076134&expiration=1515962225&hwt=6faa66dea3b3992bcf6f4c3c0785b5fe
> 
> IN CASE THAT LINK DOES NOT WORK:  
> (https://player.fm/series/wolf-359/mission-mishaps-no-complaints)


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